Sunday Morning - two ay em.

The time is now 2am. I haven’t seen my house since 7:30am.

The thing about foreign-based family members making the obligatory trip home is that more often than not, they forget that we actually have things to do besides lime. I mean hey, I’m glad to see you too - I may not know you, but I’m glad – however let’s face it: we can’t squeeze four years of weddings, funerals, christenings, births, divorces and other bacchanal into a couple hours.

One of my mother’s brothers is in the country for two more days. He seems to be a relatively pleasant person, but I won’t put my head on a block for that. At least I can now say that I’m on speaking terms with one of the Trinimerican family. The others can still suck salt and die for all I care. No I don’t mean it literally…

Anyway so this relatively newfound uncle landed up. I had met him previously but it would seem at that time neither of us made much an impression on the other. All I know is that mumsy told me we had a family get together to attend since H_ was in the country. I was actually in the cinema taking in 30 Days of Night. I wasn’t impressed. Both with the movie and the idea of family. However since I have no argument with this side and honestly I had no plans for the evening I gave it a shot. Besides, mum had already decided that if she were to suffer so would I.

We got there at seven. My uncle J_ was greeted us because, well, it’s his house. E_ and M_ soon followed, so it was just a matter of the guest of honour to show up. This was about 8pm. Two hours, a number of phone calls, some frayed nerves and numerous jokes about Trini Time later uncle H_ finally graced us with his presence.

I reiterate:- he seems to be a very nice man. We talked, laughed and had a fun old time albeit short lived. M_ eternal joker that he is, ribbed H_ throughout about his sense of time and although some of the barbs did seem a bit vicious, I’ll blame fatigue.

In all I wasn’t upset that mum saw it fit to drag me along. Granted, I wasn’t pleased either – my sleep is important to me, more so since I think my insomnia’s returning- but as the lime ended with the usual lies about keeping in touch and the ritual of phone number taking, I had to marvel: so this is what normal families do. I still don’t see the big deal and I’d be perfectly satisfied if I don’t see them for another couple years.

Working It.

Few things inspire me like exercise videos. There’s nothing like watching a group of hyperactive super-fit women to make me feel like the lazy slob I am.

I suppose I should try at least some of the exercises shown, but where’s the fun in that? Sure they’re smiling, but I also see all that sweat and straining... There must be some other way to keep fit that doesn’t involve hopping, jumping and Billy Blanks, and until it is found I shall remain on my ass watching the grimacing, perspiring people on TV tell me how fantastic they feel.

As you have probably realised, I’m watching Billy Blanks burn fat with his ‘specially developed for maximum fitness results’ Tae Bo program. At least that’s what the DVD cover says. I’ll take their word for it. I’m too busy enjoying a pint of Chunky Monkey . Hey, I have no problem with my fat. It’s something I can hold on to in times of stress.

Some months ago, I actually joined a gym. A co-worker of mine had an epiphany about her body image and we decided to register for aerobics. In theory it was a great idea. In actuality it sucked ass. A big, fat, flabby, hairy ass. The only other time I remember feeling so ridiculous was when I was a flower girl at an uncle’s wedding. I swear, if I was meant to prance and twist like that, I would have been a goat. The fact that my hand-eye-leg-music-instructor-rest of the class co-ordination can be described as negligible at best, also more than likely influenced my decision to never again return to Jack Warner’s lair.

The sad thing is I actually used to be fit. I had energy, stamina and all that good stuff. Then I hit puberty and things pretty much went downhill from there. Curse you academia focused education system!! I would attempt to re-start a fitness regime, but what’s my motivation? A hot bod? Methinks my body is just fine the way it is and whoever has a problem with that could just stop looking. Besides, I’m no beach bum and the only man in my life right now has four legs, a tail and barks.

Wow, this vid sure is long. It’s been thirty minutes and they’re still going strong. Kudos Billy, kudos! Just looking at those combat punches is causing my heart rate to increase. Wait! Could it be? Have I found the exercise of my dreams? Yes! I feel a bead of sweat forming. I don’t care that these nights have been warm. It’s a bead of fricking sweat dammit. Now if only I can find a way to do my job without actually working…