Working It.

Few things inspire me like exercise videos. There’s nothing like watching a group of hyperactive super-fit women to make me feel like the lazy slob I am.

I suppose I should try at least some of the exercises shown, but where’s the fun in that? Sure they’re smiling, but I also see all that sweat and straining... There must be some other way to keep fit that doesn’t involve hopping, jumping and Billy Blanks, and until it is found I shall remain on my ass watching the grimacing, perspiring people on TV tell me how fantastic they feel.

As you have probably realised, I’m watching Billy Blanks burn fat with his ‘specially developed for maximum fitness results’ Tae Bo program. At least that’s what the DVD cover says. I’ll take their word for it. I’m too busy enjoying a pint of Chunky Monkey . Hey, I have no problem with my fat. It’s something I can hold on to in times of stress.

Some months ago, I actually joined a gym. A co-worker of mine had an epiphany about her body image and we decided to register for aerobics. In theory it was a great idea. In actuality it sucked ass. A big, fat, flabby, hairy ass. The only other time I remember feeling so ridiculous was when I was a flower girl at an uncle’s wedding. I swear, if I was meant to prance and twist like that, I would have been a goat. The fact that my hand-eye-leg-music-instructor-rest of the class co-ordination can be described as negligible at best, also more than likely influenced my decision to never again return to Jack Warner’s lair.

The sad thing is I actually used to be fit. I had energy, stamina and all that good stuff. Then I hit puberty and things pretty much went downhill from there. Curse you academia focused education system!! I would attempt to re-start a fitness regime, but what’s my motivation? A hot bod? Methinks my body is just fine the way it is and whoever has a problem with that could just stop looking. Besides, I’m no beach bum and the only man in my life right now has four legs, a tail and barks.

Wow, this vid sure is long. It’s been thirty minutes and they’re still going strong. Kudos Billy, kudos! Just looking at those combat punches is causing my heart rate to increase. Wait! Could it be? Have I found the exercise of my dreams? Yes! I feel a bead of sweat forming. I don’t care that these nights have been warm. It’s a bead of fricking sweat dammit. Now if only I can find a way to do my job without actually working…